Winchesters.
Factually, I think I have screamed in angered frustration at you two about half a thousand times, plus another few hundred each. I shook my head in complete disbelief more times than I can count, probably dreamt I would slap the living hell out of you both even more, sometimes the two of you at once, sometimes not, and overall, if I had to bang my head against my wall every time I felt like it, I would have gotten the world record of number of concussions on the same skull.
It’s safe to assume you two are driving me insane. With worries, with fear, with concerns, with heartbreaks, too. And yet… That’s not the dominant emotion I feel when I think about the Winchester brothers.
What I feel is far deeper, stronger, and its roots are within my soul.
It’s love, you idjits.
Throughout your whole story, there isn’t one moment when I felt like whatever you were doing, and however wrong at times it was — and let’s be honest for a second here, sometimes it was EPICALLY wrong — would cause any form of shortage of care on my side. Collateral damage and devastation ensued, but about the long-term consequences… Well, I do care, but not enough as to jeopardize my love for you.
I questioned it often. Was I morally deficient? Was there something evil underlying in my mind? Was I sick? I had moments of self-awareness about whether my love was misplaced, or shouldn’t be there anymore. But they all led to the same conclusion: I’m right.
I’m right to forgive and forget, because you two are teaching me that there aren’t mistakes that can’t be undone with pure, true, selfless intentions. You showed me the real meaning of sacrifice. You trained me to understand that there’s no such thing as destiny, and that I’m my own master of my own story. You inspired me to look further, to see the bigger picture, to cease to believe that my wrongdoings were encasing my story into something finite and over. Every time you dug a new crack in my shattered heart, you also revealed it to be a door to something better, to something forcing me to step out of my comfort zone to examine the world for what it could be rather than for what it is. I can never repay you for the pillars of knowledge about myself, and about the world you brought to my own structure.
I don’t know if I can establish a top five of the heartbreaks you induced in me. In all fairness, give me a couple of hours, and I’m able to establish a top 50. Probably more. Bottom line is: You’ve pushed what it means to be brothers a lot further than what I witnessed around me, and your bond is, in my opinion, something to be celebrated.
I’ve always believed in soul mates. But for me, it’s something in the stars that has nothing to do with any form of physical relationship. And it’s plural. I believe some people are meant to connect in soulful ways, and that their stories will articulate themselves in regard to that connection. I believe it is nothing romantic. I believe it is what you two are having, in a rather miraculous way.
You are capable of destroying the other one (and the planet as collateral damage) with one look if you want to, and you are capable of letting him destroy you as well. You would go to the other end of the world for him, and he would for you. Weirdly enough, I believe it’s a three-sided thing with you: I am nothing but convinced that Castiel plays a part in that connection that goes beyond what most people will ever fully know.
But if we’re looking at how your lives have been paved with tragedies and losses, then it might be Chuck’s greatest gift. You’re not alone. You’re never alone. Even when separated, it’s never a clean slate. There’s always a part of you that exists because the other one existed at worst, and it transcends grief. That your presence on this planet, and for that purpose, was a dual thing isn’t a coincidence, not really. Because your mission is the heaviest, the hardest, and unfairest of all missions, you had to be given a reason to hold on.
It’s no surprise that some of your proudest screw-ups have been caused by the loss of the other one. Soul selling. Lucifer rising. Two wonderfully failed attempts at the white-picket-fence life… We all know the truth, don’t we? It’s together that you’re stronger. When you are working toward the same goal, at the same time, that we get our real wins. And some of yours, too, although, because life kind of sucks, the world’s biggest wins often rhyme with your biggest personal losses.
And often enough I’ve asked myself why you don’t just give up. Why you don’t just pack your bags and leave and put all of this in the rearview mirror, and shall evil rise and rule, it won’t be your problem anymore. Once or twice, I wanted you to do that. I was too exhausted by yet another tragedy to want anything else for the two of you… But then it clicked. The two of you. Even when the entire planet goes crazy, and even when one of you only is personally concerned by whatever crap storm is brewing, you’re never alone. The power of this is infinite, and you won’t convince me otherwise: It is, ultimately, the reason why you were able to accomplish so much good.
Because you do, boys. I know that life the Winchesters’ way is full of self-loathing and guilt and whatnot, and I get it. I do. But you need to see the facts, guys. You really do. And the victories, beyond the occasional monster prey and haunted souls. The good vastly outweighs the bad, in so many ways. I just wish you two could accept it. It would make your lives so much easier. It would relieve you of so many burdens.
There are a few moments that stick with me, and will most likely forever do so, because there were the epitome of who you are, as Sam, as Dean, and as Sam and Dean. There’s one example that I’ll never forget, which changed my life in a lot of ways. Remember the trials (if one of you ever attempt that thing ever again, I swear I’m getting Chuck myself to knock some sense into you)? And how it ended? It was, for me, the nuclear core of who you two are. Because, sure, it would have helped to close the damn gate to hell forever. But we both know it wouldn’t have been an end in itself, and most of all, I think that separating the two of you for good is the worst thing that can happen for the world. Hell, it would probably shatter the entire universe. It wasn’t an act of selfishness at all. It was an act of reason. It was an overdue acknowledgement that as long as we have Sam, Dean, and Castiel, we’re safe.
I know we’re headed into troubled days. I know that Michael is changing the landscape, and I know that attempting to destroy the very link between you two is what’s really dangerous there. But I also have an unwavering faith in a happy outcome. I know you’re gonna fight, and I know you’re going to win. Because that’s what you do.
It’s even in your name.
I know there’s no end in sight. And I know that you two deserve your fair share of vacations. I know you need some normalcy, and I know that the constant lack thereof is exhausting. I know that tragedies are looming, and I know that sometimes, it feels like you’re not correctly armed to battle it all. I know it’s always more of the same. I know all of this. And I’m sorry. I wish we could take some of that pain away from your already burdened shoulders. I’d give anything, probably even my own life, to do so.
But I need you two to hold on. To keep fighting. To keep your heads above sea level. To see through the storm.
Because if we don’t have you… Then we’re lost for good.
Forever yours,
Axy
To Supernatural With Love 